Top 13 things that will happen on 12.21.2012

13. A NASA probe will discover a 'no trespassing' sign orbiting Venus.

12. The final single critical snowflake will land on Greenland, its weight pushing the ice sheet over the threshold of stability. Oceans will rise 20 feet during the following year as the ice dumps into the sea.

11. The face of Terence McKenna will appear mysteriously on slices of toast and on the sides of many New York city buses -- but only on odd-numbered routes.

10. In one day, before Christmas recess, exactly 260 members of Congress will pass 13 funding bills, with 20 members opposed and 9 abstaining. On the same day a stock truck carrying exactly 260 pigs will break down in Washington DC. Thirteen men wearing Quetzalcoatl masks will herd the pigs into the halls of Congress where 20 lobbyists and 9 congressional interns will be trampled to death, 5,125 legal documents will be trashed, and 144,000 emails lost.

9. After 52 days of fasting and meditation, Mayan sub-elder "Bob" Pedro breaks his silence by uttering: "Wear baggy pants and no one will notice." Scholars later identify this as the punchline to a joke told by an obscure Mayan comic at Tulum.

8. The Golden Age returns! 'Maya Disney', a theme park, will open in Florida.

7. Daniel Pinchbeck will be named CEO of Goldman Sachs.

6. A winter solstice bonfire in Wendell, Massachusetts, stoked with hemp, will miraculously burn for 13 days, thus establishing a new record for sustained consciousness shifting.

5. Mayan space-alien ball players arrive and offer to play the ancient ball game in New Orleans on Christmas day to kick off the new era. Advertisers pass up sponsorship arguing that it will be a loss for them as patriotic Americans will watch only their style of football on that day.

4. Christian missionaries in Guatemala will be shocked to discover that thousands of native converts are only paying lip service to the Christian pantheon of Yahweh, Jesus, Peter, Paul, Mary and Satan.

3. Rachael Ray's Recipes for Disaster: The 2012 Cookbook is on the NY Times Bestseller list. On Oprah, Rachael giddily reveals that she is the False Prophet of the Antichrist.

2. The Maya-Aztec Report software on www.onereed.com will cease to work.

1. Thursday will turn into Friday.